


To Love and to Lost

by Valgus



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Drama, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-06-05 06:37:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6693430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valgus/pseuds/Valgus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And then Kageyama whispered so softly that Hinata almost thought he was imagining it.</p><p>“Hinata,” breathed Kageyama against Hinata’s hair. “I don’t think I’d survive your death.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Love and to Lost

Six months into relationship and a year since they met each other on Karasuno’s gym, Hinata returned to previously sleeping Kageyama now awake on the bed.

It was a cool spring midnight. Hinata had drunk a lot of tea as they read volleyball magazine in Kageyama’s living room just a couple of hours ago. He left for bathroom, easing himself off from Kageyama’s sleeping hug, finished his business, washed his hand, and then returned to his boyfriend’s bed. But when he got back, he saw Kageyama sat on his side of the bed, dimly lit by the lamp from the street, his face damp and glistened with tears.

Hinata felt a stabbing sensation on his chest.

“Kageyama?” he hurriedly climbed the bed back. “What’s wrong?”

Kageyama didn’t seem to realise that he was crying. He just sat there, tears spilling out from his eyes, as he looked at Hinata with his unusually expressive eyes.

“It’s nothing,” croaked the black haired boy. “Come back here, Hinata. Let’s go back to sleep.”

Hinata wanted to know why Kageyama was crying, but instead, he followed his boyfriend’s request and let Kageyama’s strong, warm arms enveloped him and squeezed him gently. They were now against the bed once again, safely tucked underneath the blanket, while it was cold outside.

Hinata could hear the sound of Kageyama’s heartbeat.

They sounded like thousands of horse marching towards a war.

Just when Hinata closed his eyes, he could feel Kageyama’s lips against his forehead, near his scalp. Hinata opened his eyes, but said nothing. Instead, he tugged Kageyama closer and stroked the taller boy’s broader back.

 _There, there,_ his strokes said. _You will be okay. I am here._

And then Kageyama whispered so softly that Hinata almost thought he was imagining it.

“Hinata,” breathed Kageyama against Hinata’s hair. “I don’t think I’d survive your death.”

Hinata blinked and tried to look up at Kageyama’s face, but the setter locked him in place. Kageyama squeezed Hinata into a tight hug and kept whispering.

“I know that if you were to die one day, I’d want to curl by your side and die too.”

Hinata blinked and squirmed, trying to look up to Kageyama’s face, but he felt weak, sluggish, and just… _sad_.

“Kageyama, why did you say that?” he whispered back in pain.

“Because it’s true,” Kageyama breathed. “Because I dreamt the world that doesn’t have you. Then I woke up to find you disappeared from my side. If you were to disappear, I want to disappear to.”

And then Hinata had heard Kageyama sobbed, albeit gently. The smaller boy tightened his hug and kissed Kageyama’s chest.

“It’s okay. I think I might understand.”

And then Hinata had thought that perhaps he wouldn’t survive Kageyama’s death as well.

Hinata often feel like, aside from his fascination with volleyball, he was just like any other teenage boy, still figuring life out and confused most of the time. Death seemed to be a thing too early to think about when he was just seventeen. But Hinata knew that death would eventually come and greeted him. He would eventually saw, as he grew up, that people in his life would disappear to somewhere he could never follow them.

Being with Kageyama, living and hearing his heart beating against his own, had somehow taught him so many new things. Hinata learned about warmth from other, in a way that he never experienced with another human being before. Kageyama seemed to think and feel the same. If there was anything Hinata also learned when for the time they spent together, it was that Kageyama was so much softer than his big and strong exterior suggested. Once Kageyama had told him, in one of his sleepy moments, that he constantly felt like playing hide and seek with the world. Kageyama had tried to his wretchedness from people’s eyes, and when Hinata saw him hiding, Hinata let him stay hidden and Kageyama knew that Hinata wouldn’t tell a soul about Kageyama’s secret and fear. Hinata had smiled upon hearing that. Later, he knew he would never forget the way Kageyama’s voice sounded when he confessed such thing to Hinata.

Being alive coexist with truth that one day they would all die. Hinata never thought about death the way he did that night, when Kageyama clung to him and told him that he wouldn’t survive his death.

Eventually, Kageyama fell asleep on his arms, still sniffling and hiccupping, but looked very much comfortable and safe on Hinata’s hug. Hinata breathed, watched his boyfriend sleeping, and thought that perhaps, one day in their previous life, they had met and Hinata had died and Kageyama had remembered the pain. But if that were true, it would only mean that there would next life, and that Hinata could always go to find Kageyama and they’d be together again and again.

Hinata knew he couldn’t know when he would die. He wouldn’t know either when Kageyama would.

But it didn’t matter as long as they spent their time doing their best, learning their hardest, and tried their greatest. Even if Kageyama were to disappear one day, Hinata knew that Kageyama would always be with him in memory, along with gratitude of what the setter’s existence had taught him—that it was okay to love and to lost.

**Author's Note:**

> This story is largely inspired by Milan Kundera's _The Unbearable Lightness of Being_ , specifically on this part:  
> 
>
>> “And all at once he fancied she had been with him for many years and was dying. He had a sudden clear feeling that he would not survive her death. He would lie down beside her and want to die with her. He pressed his face into the pillow beside her head and kept it there for a long time.”
> 
> This wasn't an easy piece to write and I'm sure it wasn't easy to read it as well, so thank you for reading it.


End file.
